Hey Readers,
Hope you are
all doing well. It has been a while since I wrote a blog post. Life has taken a
big turn in terms of where I was when I wrote my last blog post and where I am
today. As I write this, I can only take a deep breath of relief as I am
officially done with my first term of Uni in the United Kingdom. Feels good
saying that since it has been a rollercoaster ride, nonetheless.
I was
wondering what I could write about since this blog predominantly focuses on how
it feels to be a teenager. Well, today I will write about something that turns
us all into teenagers (Immature ones sometimes) – Love that we want but know
that it will never work in our favor. This is a special one. A blast from the
past.
Sounds scary
but is such a beautiful feeling. I still remember the first night I met her. I didn’t
have a clue about who she was, how she looked, how she would be. But I can only
thank my stars that I met her that night. It was not for long, but a brief
meeting that would trigger the beginning of a story that does not end well
(Sorry for spoiling it so early in the story).
We talked
and talked for hours, spent time getting to know about our past, our lives, our
present and about what we wanted in our future. Every little thing she said
made me feel closer to her, made me want her more and more. I didn’t know what
this was since I had told myself that I would not date anyone after having been
burnt bad in the past. I wanted to focus on my career, and I didn’t want to be
hooked to someone. I kept trying to fight this feeling away, but it had become
a seed in my heart, and I could not help but get attached to her.
If I was
going against what I had planned, and pursuing this girl, I had to know where
this was headed. I wanted to be in a committed relationship, and I had to
assess if this would work long time. There were so many factors that I could
think of, to tell myself that this even if she said she liked me would not
work. Being an Indian, I could not help but think of how society would react to
a situation like this, how my family would react to situation like this, and obviously
how her family would react (Too early to be thinking of all that, but still had
to).
I decided
to give it a shot even though it was headed to a heartbreak for me. Why did I
think it wont work? Well, I am and have always been an overthinker and I for
some reason love making my life more difficult. I think it was an add on with
my insecurities in life. I always thought I had too many imperfections in me. It
does not help when you constantly see successful and good-looking people around
you. And these kind off issues aren’t something you learn to live with, because
it has dragged me down from my true potential. So, I tried my luck and like I
guess, too many factors that were in the way. It broke my heart to think that
it would never work because I was sure that I would be the right guy for her.
She had been through so much in life and she deserved a man who loved her for
her, someone who could take her to the light at the end of the tunnel. Someone
who looks at her with awe in the morning, and someone who treated her like a
queen. I was sure that I could be that man, but it disappointed me to know that
there were factors that stopped her. I was not surprised though, since I always
kept telling myself that this is not happening. I really need to work on my
confidence levels. But one thing I learnt was, I would do anything for her. Call
me crazy, but the love you get when you fall hard for someone is blissful. You
feel happy that you were able to find so genuine in your life and you cherish
every moment you have spent with them.
Now this
was a situation, my heart kept asking me to come up with a solution for. She
knew I liked or loved her. She knew that I was getting attached. The fact that I
was getting devoted to the idea of a life with her scared her. It made her
think if she should take a step back. I don’t blame her but boy, did that make
me feel like a total loner.
There are
days when we feel so vulnerable about our lives that we just wish that we could
go back in time and change the way these events had transpired. All I could do
was try to talk my way out of it. But I couldn’t. I was getting weak, because this
love made me weak. I didn’t want to be in love with her because I had convinced
myself that this is not happening, but I don’t know why I kept getting pulled
towards her.
It is easy
for us to say NO when we do not want something in life. The idea of having a
partner is so real to me that shutting it down has become an intense affair. I don’t
want to be someone who chases behind a girl. I don’t want to be someone who
breaks down when life throws rocks on my path. I just had to remind myself that
I was good if not great, the way I was. All I had to do was wake up and try to
be a better version of myself one day at a time. And if someone does not get
that, well, it is their loss.
I told
myself that I cannot predict the future. I do not know if I will meet someone
organically, fall in love and want to spend the rest of my life with them, but
what I do know is I have to be with someone who appreciates the fact that I am
in their life. I don’t know if you all have been through something like this,
but it does take a toll on your self-confidence. It does make you wish that you
had better circumstances in life to avoid the factors that cause issues later. But,
the bright side is, it is not on you. You are amazing just the way you are. Judge
yourself based on the growth you are giving your physical and mental health.
Talk to
someone you trust about your feelings because they are valid, because it will make
you feel lighter. Remind yourself everyday that you are good enough and you deserve
the best in life too. Don’t stress about what you don’t have and cherish what
you have. Feelings will come and go but if you are genuine with how you feel,
you will always find the silver lining. If somebody does not want to be a part
of your life, be gracious and let them go. That way, it saves you the hurt and
saves them the guilt. I know this is easier said than done. I can vouch for
that firsthand. But it helps. Stay loyal to yourself before you are loyal to
the other person.
Stay
blessed everyone!
Love,
Aditya.
