Love That You Want But Can't Get

 

Hey Readers,

 

Hope you are all doing well. It has been a while since I wrote a blog post. Life has taken a big turn in terms of where I was when I wrote my last blog post and where I am today. As I write this, I can only take a deep breath of relief as I am officially done with my first term of Uni in the United Kingdom. Feels good saying that since it has been a rollercoaster ride, nonetheless.

I was wondering what I could write about since this blog predominantly focuses on how it feels to be a teenager. Well, today I will write about something that turns us all into teenagers (Immature ones sometimes) – Love that we want but know that it will never work in our favor. This is a special one. A blast from the past.

Sounds scary but is such a beautiful feeling. I still remember the first night I met her. I didn’t have a clue about who she was, how she looked, how she would be. But I can only thank my stars that I met her that night. It was not for long, but a brief meeting that would trigger the beginning of a story that does not end well (Sorry for spoiling it so early in the story).

We talked and talked for hours, spent time getting to know about our past, our lives, our present and about what we wanted in our future. Every little thing she said made me feel closer to her, made me want her more and more. I didn’t know what this was since I had told myself that I would not date anyone after having been burnt bad in the past. I wanted to focus on my career, and I didn’t want to be hooked to someone. I kept trying to fight this feeling away, but it had become a seed in my heart, and I could not help but get attached to her.

If I was going against what I had planned, and pursuing this girl, I had to know where this was headed. I wanted to be in a committed relationship, and I had to assess if this would work long time. There were so many factors that I could think of, to tell myself that this even if she said she liked me would not work. Being an Indian, I could not help but think of how society would react to a situation like this, how my family would react to situation like this, and obviously how her family would react (Too early to be thinking of all that, but still had to).

I decided to give it a shot even though it was headed to a heartbreak for me. Why did I think it wont work? Well, I am and have always been an overthinker and I for some reason love making my life more difficult. I think it was an add on with my insecurities in life. I always thought I had too many imperfections in me. It does not help when you constantly see successful and good-looking people around you. And these kind off issues aren’t something you learn to live with, because it has dragged me down from my true potential. So, I tried my luck and like I guess, too many factors that were in the way. It broke my heart to think that it would never work because I was sure that I would be the right guy for her. She had been through so much in life and she deserved a man who loved her for her, someone who could take her to the light at the end of the tunnel. Someone who looks at her with awe in the morning, and someone who treated her like a queen. I was sure that I could be that man, but it disappointed me to know that there were factors that stopped her. I was not surprised though, since I always kept telling myself that this is not happening. I really need to work on my confidence levels. But one thing I learnt was, I would do anything for her. Call me crazy, but the love you get when you fall hard for someone is blissful. You feel happy that you were able to find so genuine in your life and you cherish every moment you have spent with them.

Now this was a situation, my heart kept asking me to come up with a solution for. She knew I liked or loved her. She knew that I was getting attached. The fact that I was getting devoted to the idea of a life with her scared her. It made her think if she should take a step back. I don’t blame her but boy, did that make me feel like a total loner.

There are days when we feel so vulnerable about our lives that we just wish that we could go back in time and change the way these events had transpired. All I could do was try to talk my way out of it. But I couldn’t. I was getting weak, because this love made me weak. I didn’t want to be in love with her because I had convinced myself that this is not happening, but I don’t know why I kept getting pulled towards her.

It is easy for us to say NO when we do not want something in life. The idea of having a partner is so real to me that shutting it down has become an intense affair. I don’t want to be someone who chases behind a girl. I don’t want to be someone who breaks down when life throws rocks on my path. I just had to remind myself that I was good if not great, the way I was. All I had to do was wake up and try to be a better version of myself one day at a time. And if someone does not get that, well, it is their loss.

I told myself that I cannot predict the future. I do not know if I will meet someone organically, fall in love and want to spend the rest of my life with them, but what I do know is I have to be with someone who appreciates the fact that I am in their life. I don’t know if you all have been through something like this, but it does take a toll on your self-confidence. It does make you wish that you had better circumstances in life to avoid the factors that cause issues later. But, the bright side is, it is not on you. You are amazing just the way you are. Judge yourself based on the growth you are giving your physical and mental health.

Talk to someone you trust about your feelings because they are valid, because it will make you feel lighter. Remind yourself everyday that you are good enough and you deserve the best in life too. Don’t stress about what you don’t have and cherish what you have. Feelings will come and go but if you are genuine with how you feel, you will always find the silver lining. If somebody does not want to be a part of your life, be gracious and let them go. That way, it saves you the hurt and saves them the guilt. I know this is easier said than done. I can vouch for that firsthand. But it helps. Stay loyal to yourself before you are loyal to the other person.

Stay blessed everyone!

 

Love,

Aditya.

Suicide - Let's Talk About It

Hi Readers,

My hands are trembling as I begin to write this article. The stuff I write today is heartfelt, dark and criticizing the world as we know it. Anyone who is not tolerant enough to take it, please do not read the rest of the article.

I was born in a rich family that saw a lot of poverty soon after my birth due to some losses my dad faced in his business. It was a tough time for the entire family, but we got through it as one. My parents were in debt but somehow managed to get my siblings’ education completed on time for them to take up the responsibility of the family. And they did so in great style.

Gradually, it became evident that the storm in our life had passed and we were in clear waters. But many a time, I have felt that my financial status,-let me rephrase that, my family’s financial status made me an Outcast in a crowd filled with kids having filthy rich parents. The attitude that these kids had, despite being teenagers, was crazy. I tried a lot to be a part of their world, albeit at the expense of torturing my family to get me a bike, a car and what not. I didn’t realize that all of this will not endure for long. In trying to be a part of this, I turned into a monstrous version of myself. Lies, Pride, Ego and Attitude took over me like a leech stuck on us. It overshadowed any good that I would do.

Then 2 years later, I graduated and realized I didn’t have any friends. I had taken my old friends for granted, pissed them off, laughed them out of my life and the new “friends” I thought never really considered me a part of their life. I was just an outsider pretending to be someone in their world. It made me feel very low. I could not go back to the way I was 2 years ago, but I had to find a way forward. I spoke to a few of my old friends and tried to make amends. In short, I tried to turn over a new leaf. Life changed for the good gradually. Although I lost and gained people from time to time, I had stopped caring about it since I had set a goal in my mind and was working towards it. Love, Betrayal, Trust, Friendship were some of the words that were being thrown around so easily as years passed. But one word that was missing from my life was ‘peace’.

I wanted peace. Freedom from the thought that I was feeling left out; freedom from the thought that I was constantly being hated by someone; freedom from the thought I was constantly being judged for who I am; freedom from the thought that I was constantly being stereotyped for where I am from. I wanted to kill myself to find peace. Yes, you read that right. I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF. There have been days when I thought of “popping” a few pills and escape this world. There have been days when I have taken a knife to cut vegetables and felt like stabbing myself with it. There have been days when I have felt like intentionally running into a bus. But I always brought myself back to my senses. I realized that I had people who loved me, and it would not be fair for them if I did something like this. I would find peace, but I would take away theirs. My parents, my friends, my colleagues, anyone who contributed in making me smile would be devastated. But what would I do about this constant feeling of restlessness, this mental stress I had? I had no answer.

No, I am not writing this because of a celebrity committing suicide. No, I am not writing this to gain sympathy from any of you who is reading this. I am writing this because I, too, have lost people to this dreadful affliction. I have seen people cry and wish that they had been there for their loved ones before they committed suicide. And it made me think as to what agents we surround ourselves with that cause mental stress.

Parental pressure of getting married, parental pressure of scoring high marks, society pressuring us into getting married, having kids, scoring more marks, getting a good job, studying abroad. It doesn’t matter who can do what, if they do what we ask them to do. We live in a world where parents clap when we hit a six, call us their little “Sachin”, but discourage us if we want to pursue a sports career like Sachin. We live in a world where parents forbid girls from talking to guys, because they might coerce you and “deflower” you, but they are the same people who will force you to marry someone they pick and ask you to sleep with him and bear a child!!! We live in a world where we loathe people with money because they have an attitude and don’t mingle with us, but we are the same people who ill -treat our maids and watchmen. We live in a world, where a girl is judged with the blood she releases on the night of her wedding, and we live in a world, where social media is a place of more hatred and less love. We live in a world where we hide behind mobile/computer screens and spread hate in the form of comments, likes etc. and we are the same people who wish we can be like the people we shed hatred on. We don’t want our kids to be ridiculed for being dark, but when we search for a groom/bride, we want a “fair” person. Hypocrisy has become the ruler of all problems.

In a world like this, why wouldn’t one want to commit suicide? How much emotional stability do we expect the human mind to have? We care so much about our physical health, but never talk about our mental health. Why? The answer is simple. The minute we need a therapist; we have gone “cuckoo” for the world. For once, realize that anything you say be it on social media, or in person, it affects the other person too. If not physically, it does so mentally. It breaks them down. It eats up their thoughts and pushes them towards depression. Empathy is not a word; it is an emotion. Realize that humanity is more important than anything you have with you. You can have all the money in the world, the best job, the best clothes, but if you are not able to make people around you happy, none of it matters.

I hope everyone will be able to relate to this article, because we live in a world where everyone at some point is an outsider. The feeling of togetherness has left this life of ours. We no longer live in a world that is welcoming. We live in a world where walls, guns and words are the biggest weapon. Yes, I said words. Deal with it.

Be welcoming to anything and anyone. Forget the past, grow up and see that everyone makes mistakes, but they might be doing it because they are troubled. Forgive them and talk to them. Go back to people who left, hold on to them, tell them it is going to be alright. Spread love and notice the change. It begins with you.

With love,

Aditya.

What I learnt about the People in my Country in the Past One Year

Hey Readers.

Been a while since I let out my feelings, and in that period, I have learnt so much and grown quite a lot. Not just physically (My cute tummy) but a lot mentally. I had to take some life changing decisions. I had to get rid of a lot of stress that I was facing, and I had to basically believe in myself for me to go forward.

This article is a little heartfelt and in a lot of ways, stuff I went through in the last couple of months. I met a lot of friends, spoke to a lot of inspirational people and they helped me look at my life in a way I missed out on. A disclaimer before we go ahead, this is not for the narrow minded folks, so if you think you are one of them and won't be able to tolerate my complaints, don't hesitate and close your browser.

The circle of life as they call it, can sometimes be baffling. I am advocating the whole “what goes around comes around”. We get what we deserve because of the things we did in our past. Personally, I screwed up a lot in the past and I get the reward for being an ass from time to time. I have no shame in accepting that I was one but changing over a new leaf is something I genuinely believe in. I have been on a quest of making things right from my past and so far, it has helped me take off the stress in my life. But in doing so, I learnt a lot about our country and how society has affected us and our decision making. I truly felt disgusted with the way we, the society are failing ourselves. I thought to myself that I would love to write about this and see if people could relate to what I felt.

A friend of mine who is in her 30’s wanted to be an independent woman as she grew up. I commend her dedication towards her career and I was in the impression, that someone like her who is so mature and dedicated would be a catch for men, but instead she is ridiculed in the society for her age and not being married. I am perplexed as to why a woman who chooses to marry late is considered a woman with issues, where as a man who wants to marry late is commended since he cares about getting stable financially or to stabilize his career.

A friend of mine who loved this girl, truly wished to get married to her. He loved her more than anything in the world and decided that she is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Hard find right? But guess what, she dumped him for she didn’t think her parents would agree to her getting married to a guy who doesn’t have a financial background as good as them. The guy promised the girl that he would get strong financially and all he needed was time. She promised him the time he needed but ended up dumping him later. I didn’t think the girl was to blame completely, but in our country, parents don’t really care about how well or stable a guy can be, but how much property or what not, his parents or him own. Well, to anyone who has that kind off mentality, all I can say is Sayonara Sweetheart.

I think as the new generation, we owe it to our parents to teach them everything that they did wrong in the name of tradition instead of wanting to follow anything that they said. I have seen people rebel in front of the world, but again, when it came to their parents, they would just dial down. I know we ought to love our parents (no choice there!) but I would at the least argue with them to help them realize that just because something is a tradition, it doesn’t need to be right.

A very close friend was a victim of the above. He sucked at Mathematics, but his father was hell bent on wanting him to get a bank job (This is a different topic altogether, the weird obsession in our country for bank jobs). He was forced to take up bank exams and failed every time. He just could not muster the courage to talk to his dad and tell him, he wanted a different choice of career. He spent 2 to 3 years doing it and finally regretted his decision because he had wasted a lot of time in something he just could not do. I don’t mean to insult him, not everybody is cut out for jobs like these. That’s why we have got so many professions in the world where we can showcase what we are good at.

The last one, I have for starters, a friend of mine told me a story that gave me chills. I know we live in a country where believe it or not, caste and religion play a big role in marriages. No surprise there, but, here comes the bomb. I got to know about a few families who apparently don’t even relate themselves to other caste or religion folks as friends and restrict their kids from mingling with people who don’t belong to their “community”. I seriously hope never to get involved with such people because the reason our so called “secular” country is going to ruins is all thanks to them. Parents, relatives and society would not mind us getting married to some well settled guy from their caste but not to someone who can keep us happy and feel loved. They would rather want us to “work” on an abusive relationship but not want us to get divorced and feel free.

High time that we as a generation work towards stuff like this. Don’t say that your kids will be free to choose. You need to choose. You need to be free. Grow up mentally and talk to me if you think you can relate to what is above.

We are one as a country, but we need to be one as a community.

Friend Zone (Been There, Felt that)

Hey Readers,

This topic is very close to my heart, because I have been through this, and I am certainly not proud of it. But I feel that most guys and surprisingly girls too go through this phase of being Friend Zoned. No, it is not a great feeling when you are told, that you are nothing more than a friend. Let me tell you a short story to depict how it feels.

I love you but only as a friend. Ever heard this? Ever said this? Well, if you have heard it, I feel sorry for you and if you have said this, Hello Losers, yes, you are the real losers and not the people in the Friendzone. This article is for you all to realize how it really feels and what kind of idiots you people are.

So a boy I knew was friends with a classmate of his. They had an instant connection that both of them did not notice when it happened. But, neither took a step towards love, and they were good friends. They talked to eachother all day, they would steal glances of eachother in class, when they walked in the hallway and when they would see eachother on the way to school too. Immaturity got the best of them, because either was not understanding that what this was meant to be. Sooner or later, the guy became mature and realized that this friendship was something more. It felt right, not just because they knew eachother so well, but because, the bond they had would be enough for a lifetime. He decided to talk to the girl about what he felt. This was not something special, but rather casual since that's how their conversations were. The level of comfort the two had was more than any couple could have. He told her he had been thinking about this and wanted to know if she felt the same way too. Now, was this true that the next two minutes of his life would be recorded and played by his heart again and again? Yes. It was. The girl blatantly just replied that she was just not into him. She had only seen him as a friend. She loved him, but she didn't love him (Whatever that meant).

He could not just give up on a sure thing, right? I always felt that they were meant for eachother. They would fight, argue, swear at eachother, but would never let go off each other for any reason in that case. I was surprised myself with the girl's reaction. I might sound like a stereotype now, but I have had girl friends call me and let go off tears because all they have wanted is something serious or a commitment, and all they got was heartbreaks and betrayal. But why is it that when they do get it, they choose to run away from it? The spark is missing? Agreed that the spark is missing, but do you really think any relationship you are going to have is bound to have the spark always? Are you looking for a spark? Think about how it feels when you meet this friend. Think about the times you have spent laughing with them, think about the times they have had your back when you needed them. If reliability, trust and love is not what sparks you, I don't know what will. If it's lust you are looking for, go ahead and let go off your friend because they honestly deserve someone better.

I am all in for a relationship where there is understanding, where you know no matter what, you can handle being tortured and irritated by someone, yet would not be able to find a replacement for them. That's who you should realize is what you are looking for.

The next flaw, I think I have found in most people these days, is calling your friend a perfect package. No, do not do that. That brings their hopes up and you know who they would want to date the very next minute? You. Any person who thinks you are perfect is going to be someone you would want to be with. It is not going to help if you tell someone, that their girlfriend/boyfriend is one lucky person, or they would be the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend and then tell them, that it is not going to be you they can be with. You are not just playing with their emotions, but you are going to bring wrath onto yourself, by saying things like that and bringing drama into the relationship.

A friendship like that is different from a relationship in only one way, which is that it is not platonic. Someone once told me, if you think you have found a friend for life, you have found a person who you genuinely love, who you think is as crazy as you. Now, would you want to spend your life with someone you think can understand you at a level, no one else can, or would you want to spend your life with someone you needs the rest of the lifetime figuring you out and tries to make you happy with superficial things? God bless you if you want the latter.

Find love in people you have a lot in common with. Be bold in making your decisions. Before you friendzone someone, just think about how it might affect your friendship with them. Let me tell you something first hand, if one person in a friendship has feelings for the other, the whole concept of a friendship between them is flawed. They are going to do all the things they can to please you, while you enjoy it, and then you are going to find someone else, date them, break up with them, and come back to this very friend of yours when you need a shoulder to cry on. Do you want to that person? Think about it. I can wait.

Thought about it? Good. Hope you are taking the right decision. Last, but not the least, please don't talk like someone who has principles where once a friend is always a friend. Only if you have feelings for someone the minute you meet them, you can date them. Don't be that person. It is not going to help you in the long run. Maybe if you are looking for an arranged marriage, this option looks solid, but even then, I would want you to get to know the person. Attraction is good, but at the expense of having to deal with loads of unwanted drama for the rest of your life? No. Find someone you are compatible with, and lead a comfortable, stress free relationship.

Kudos :)

Are You A Liar?

Hi Everyone!

This article is going to be a little heartfelt because lately I have been going through a lot in life. There are so many changes happening and I guess I have been too busy to even figure out the solutions or the ways to adapt to these changes.

The reason I am calling this article “Are you a Liar?” is because I have been called a liar. Sometimes it’s right, sometimes it’s for absurd reasons which are no way related to me but ignoring those instances. I am here to talk about the right situations. Every one of us has fallen in love atleast once in our lives, if you are saying you have not, get a life and stop lying. That’s lie number one. Everyone has always wanted to do something about our feelings, either to get rid of them or to express those feelings to someone, if you are saying you have not, that’s lie number two. I have been in love, not once or twice, but many a times. I am not ashamed of it. I learnt it the hard way that if you are full of love to give, you are always going to keep falling in love with someone or the other. I don’t think of it as a bane, because it gives me an opportunity to meet new people, get to know about them. I have had my experiences in the past, and sadly, it didn’t work out as planned. To anyone reading this, if you are one of them, it was special to me. Each person who has been a part of my life, has always left a positive impact and I plan on keeping it that way. There was this one special person who left a negative impact, not because she was bad, but because she was too good. That has made me weak. Let the suspense continue!

Have you ever lied to put a smile on someone’s face? Have you ever lied to make sure that you are not hurting someone in the process? Have you ever lied because you know the truth can be too bitter to handle? I am someone who genuinely believes that a lie is a statement you say to either find an escape route or find a way to make your day or someone else’s day. And my lie is making someone happy, I wouldn’t mind being a liar. There are a lot of people in the world who are a very important part of my life, and if my lying is going to make them smile, I would lie all my life. And I think you all should to. Just make sure the lie doesn’t go to an extent, that you are judged for it, because that is one major obstacle you would have to deal with in your life. Ask me. I have been there and done that.

Look back and think about the time you have lied to yourself if not to someone else. And just pat your back for it, don’t stress upon it. Its good to lie every now and then. Just make sure you are spreading happiness and not sorrow. Kudos :)

Confrontations are TOUGH!

Confrontation

Phase I know not a lot of us have the guts to confront somebody when we need it, the basic scenarios where we need this phase is,

1. You are dumping someone.

2. You found out your bf/gf is cheating on you.

3. You screwed up with something.

Situations like these tend to get us all flustered when they happen in reality. I am going to give you a small guide on how to face these situations. Not that I am an expert with this, but all you got to do is jot down what you are going to say, never deviate from what you want and why you want to do it, and most important, realize that in the end, your happiness is what matters. Trust me, this little fact has got me past a lot of confrontations. No person is as important as forcing yourself to be part of something you are not happy with. You want to know why? It's because if you are committed to something happily, that is somehow doomed to end someday, but making it early will ease the effect. A thought to dwell upon. Ain't it?

Ever Been Betrayed

Betrayal

The taste of betrayal is a bitter one. They say truth is always bitter, I think betrayal is the worst. I know it kills one to be hurt that way. You trust someone with something, later get to know that they have turned their back on you to only go against you. Some might have been betrayed in friendship, some in their relationship or someone even in their family. I was betrayed in friendship. A friendship I believed which could have gone a long way. It did bring me down, but not enough to make me lose my mind. Quotes on betrayal by famous people, songs about betrayal help me through it. But later, as I grew up I realized something. It doesn’t matter being betrayed. Sooner or later, it was coming my way. I believe someone who can betray you once, will never get a chance to do it again unless you are an utter fool. The friend who betrayed did hurt me, but wasn’t he at loss? He lost a good friend. Someone he could have trusted with his problems. But he will realize that some day while I come back to normal. A person who can betray you once will never change. I know it is said that people deserve a second chance, but it is never said that people change if given a second chance. While some readers might believe the other person, I won’t. Betrayal helped me grow as a person. It helped me in understanding people better. I can easily figure out who is who from a bunch. Don’t think everyone has their intentions in talking to you. Some do, but others don’t. Too many guys and girls these days on going through betrayal only have to say that everyone is like that. Don’t blame the whole gender because of one soul. Accept the fact that you were a fool in trusting the other person. And that will help you grow. The process is pretty simple and sweet.