Hi Readers,
My hands are trembling as I begin to write this article. The
stuff I write today is heartfelt, dark and criticizing the world as we know it.
Anyone who is not tolerant enough to take it, please do not read the rest of
the article.
I was born in a rich family that saw a lot of poverty soon after
my birth due to some losses my dad faced in his business. It was a tough time
for the entire family, but we got through it as one. My parents were in debt
but somehow managed to get my siblings’ education completed on time for them to
take up the responsibility of the family. And they did so in great style.
Gradually, it became evident that the storm in our life had
passed and we were in clear waters. But many a time, I have felt that my
financial status,-let me rephrase that, my family’s financial status made me an
Outcast in a crowd filled with kids having filthy rich parents. The attitude
that these kids had, despite being teenagers, was crazy. I tried a lot to be a
part of their world, albeit at the expense of torturing my family to get me a
bike, a car and what not. I didn’t realize that all of this will not endure for
long. In trying to be a part of this, I turned into a monstrous version of
myself. Lies, Pride, Ego and Attitude took over me like a leech stuck on us. It
overshadowed any good that I would do.
Then 2 years later, I graduated and realized I didn’t have any
friends. I had taken my old friends for granted, pissed them off, laughed them
out of my life and the new “friends” I thought never really considered me a
part of their life. I was just an outsider pretending to be someone in their
world. It made me feel very low. I could not go back to the way I was 2 years
ago, but I had to find a way forward. I spoke to a few of my old friends and tried
to make amends. In short, I tried to turn over a new leaf. Life changed for the
good gradually. Although I lost and gained people from time to time, I had
stopped caring about it since I had set a goal in my mind and was working
towards it. Love, Betrayal, Trust, Friendship were some of the words that were
being thrown around so easily as years passed. But one word that was missing
from my life was ‘peace’.
I wanted peace. Freedom from the thought that I was feeling left
out; freedom from the thought that I was constantly being hated by someone;
freedom from the thought I was constantly being judged for who I am; freedom
from the thought that I was constantly being stereotyped for where I am from. I
wanted to kill myself to find peace. Yes, you read that right. I WANTED TO KILL
MYSELF. There have been days when I thought of “popping” a few pills and escape
this world. There have been days when I have taken a knife to cut vegetables
and felt like stabbing myself with it. There have been days when I have felt
like intentionally running into a bus. But I always brought myself back to my
senses. I realized that I had people who loved me, and it would not be fair for
them if I did something like this. I would find peace, but I would take away
theirs. My parents, my friends, my colleagues, anyone who contributed in making
me smile would be devastated. But what would I do about this constant feeling
of restlessness, this mental stress I had? I had no answer.
No, I am not writing this because of a celebrity committing
suicide. No, I am not writing this to gain sympathy from any of you who is
reading this. I am writing this because I, too, have lost people to this
dreadful affliction. I have seen people cry and wish that they had been there
for their loved ones before they committed suicide. And it made me think as to
what agents we surround ourselves with that cause mental stress.
Parental pressure of getting married, parental pressure of
scoring high marks, society pressuring us into getting married, having kids,
scoring more marks, getting a good job, studying abroad. It doesn’t matter who
can do what, if they do what we ask them to do. We live in a world where
parents clap when we hit a six, call us their little “Sachin”, but discourage
us if we want to pursue a sports career like Sachin. We live in a world where
parents forbid girls from talking to guys, because they might coerce you and
“deflower” you, but they are the same people who will force you to marry
someone they pick and ask you to sleep with him and bear a child!!! We live in
a world where we loathe people with money because they have an attitude and
don’t mingle with us, but we are the same people who ill -treat our maids
and watchmen. We live in a world, where a girl is judged with the blood she
releases on the night of her wedding, and we live in a world, where social
media is a place of more hatred and less love. We live in a world where we hide
behind mobile/computer screens and spread hate in the form of comments, likes
etc. and we are the same people who wish we can be like the people we shed
hatred on. We don’t want our kids to be ridiculed for being dark, but when we
search for a groom/bride, we want a “fair” person. Hypocrisy has become the
ruler of all problems.
In a world like this, why wouldn’t one want to commit suicide?
How much emotional stability do we expect the human mind to have? We care so
much about our physical health, but never talk about our mental health. Why?
The answer is simple. The minute we need a therapist; we have gone “cuckoo” for
the world. For once, realize that anything you say be it on social media, or in
person, it affects the other person too. If not physically, it does so mentally.
It breaks them down. It eats up their thoughts and pushes them towards
depression. Empathy is not a word; it is an emotion. Realize that humanity is
more important than anything you have with you. You can have all the money in
the world, the best job, the best clothes, but if you are not able to make
people around you happy, none of it matters.
I hope everyone will be able to relate to this article, because
we live in a world where everyone at some point is an outsider. The feeling of
togetherness has left this life of ours. We no longer live in a world that is
welcoming. We live in a world where walls, guns and words are the biggest
weapon. Yes, I said words. Deal with it.
Be welcoming to anything and anyone. Forget the past, grow up
and see that everyone makes mistakes, but they might be doing it because they
are troubled. Forgive them and talk to them. Go back to people who left, hold
on to them, tell them it is going to be alright. Spread love and notice the
change. It begins with you.
With love,
Aditya.
